His Name is Jon. No H. Its J-O-N.

WARNING: THIS IS A VERY EMOTIONAL POST

I mentioned in my first post that we have an angel baby named Jon. This is the story of my Jon. It is written as a letter to him, instead of a post to you. 

September 24, 2010

It was a Friday. I was so sick that day that I could hardly get up and get out of bed. I made it to the couch and your sister, MacKenzie did her best help me. I called your daddy to come home from work and take care of your brother and sister. Jace was a year and a half, Kenzie was 3. They needed him and I needed sleep. That evening they went to Breakaway and I stayed in bed. I did get up and drive across the street to Walgreens so I could buy a pregnancy test. I had a feeling that you were in there, I just needed to know for sure.

I took the test and immediately it came back positive. I knew it!

I knew you were in there... 

I went back to sleep after I took the test, resting in the fact that there was a reason for me to feel as horrible as I did!

As soon as Daddy and the kids got back home I told him. But I didn't tell them... they couldn't know yet. 

Your daddy was so excited! He told everyone that weekend. Everyone was so excited to here you were coming. But still, Jace and Kenzie didn't know about you.

I went that whole week feeling sick and being excited. I still couldn't belive it!

                                                                                                                                                                    September 30, 2010

I had a dream... a nightmare...

I saw blood in my dream. I cried...

I woke up in a panic and I prayed and I realized it was just a dream. But my heart felt that something wasn't right...

Sure enough, when I got up, there was blood. I cried. I wasn't ready to say goodbye.

The day went on and it got worse. 

I called your Daddy. He couldn't get off work again, he had only been there for a few months and didn't have any vacation time. So I called your Grandma. She came and picked me up. We took the kids to your Auntie Natalie and made our way to the hospital.

They took me back and did tests and drew blood and did an ultrasound.

There words still echo in my head:

Levels too low

Too early to see anything

Cervix still closed

Miscarriage

Threatened miscarriage

Levels too low, only 15, too low

miscarriage

.....................

My heart 

My lungs

I couldn't breath

I cried

It was crushing... 

it hurt.

......................

We left the hospital

I had to just accept it.

It wasn't meant for you to be here

.......................

                                                                                                                                                                   October 8, 2010

Follow up time

Blood draws and pee sticks again...

Just making sure everything was back to normal

But what is normal? How can they say things are back to normal when normal would have been you still here?

The Dr's words weren't quite what I expected.

Those words still echo too 

"Levels are normal."

So I asked...

"Back to 0? When can we try for another?"

"No... not at 0. They are at 600, thats normal for 6 weeks. Its the lower end of normal, but normal." 

"I'm still pregnant?"

"Looks like it..."

I didn't know what to do, what to say or think.

So I went home and I didnt say or think anything.

The next morning I woke up and went to the store. I bought another pregnancy test.

I ran home and took it and woke your daddy.

He didn't know what to say either. 

He asked if he could go play a round of golf...

Your sister knew you were in there too

I don't know how she knew but she did.

She told me one day when we were getting out of the van

"I know you're pregnant."

I cried. She drew you a picture.

We didn't tell Jace. He was too young to understand.

The next few weeks were constant testing.  But things weren't going quite as planned. 

Blood tests weren't doubling or tripling like there were supposed to. Then they hit 800 and stayed.

You weren't growing

you weren't living.

My body wanted you in there as much as my heart did.

My body wasn't letting you go.

The Dr's words weren't so comforting...

Prepare to miscarry.

I prayed and prayed and cried, oh so much.

Ultrasounds weekly

Blood tests every 2 days

No change

No life

Nothing

No miscarriage

Blood levels still at 800...

This went on for weeks. 

                                                                                                                                                                    November 12, 2010

Auntie Natalie's birthday.

She turned 17 that day.

I went back to the Dr. for what seemed like the 100th time in the last month.

Nothing changed still...

I had no more hope...

No heart beat

No life

It had been so long now that the Dr gave me pills to take to make it end.

Make it end...

I had to let you go...

I didn't want to let you go.

I wanted you so bad.

I wanted to feel your little feet kicking and moving

I prayed and begged Jesus to speak life back into your tiny body...

Nothing. It wasn't in His will for you to be here. I would never hold you in my arms...

I refused to take the pills this day. I couldn't forever remember this on your Auntie's birthday.

I had a dream that night.

I was in a strange bathroom and blood was everywhere. I thought I was dying. I woke up so scared. Everything was fine, so I went back to sleep.

                                                                                                    November 13, 2010

Daddy went to the airport to pick up Pastor Marshall and Cherise.

I got ready to go to a football game with Monica and Kenny.

I wasn't taking those pills. Not today.

I'd do it when I got home. I couldn't do it now. I needed to have fun...

The plane was delayed, so we all sat and waited for your Daddy...

We were late to the game.

It was cold

We were drinking hot chocolate 

and then I didn't feel right...

I didn't say anything...

I kind of ignored it...

But I knew things weren't right.

Finally the game was over.

I told your daddy and Monica.

I stood up and your daddy tied his hoodie around my waist and said I needed to go to the restroom.

It was happening.

That dream from the other night. It was happening. Monica and I went in the restroom and I knew this was the strange one from my dream.

I needed to go to the hospital. There was so much blood... too much blood.

I didn't think this was normal. I knew this wasn't normal.

How is a miscarriage normal? There is nothing normal about loosing a baby. I needed you... I wanted you so bad....

Why did you go? Why didn't you stay?

So many questions....

The next few months I was sort of just numb.

I never really got over losing you.

I don't think I ever will.

I also found it easier to not talk about you or think about you because when I do, I cry... Its not because I don't love you. Its because I do love you... so much it hurts. 

July 2011

You should have been here.

I should have been buckling you in your car seat and heading to the store with you that day.

But my Jesus had other plans for you.

I didn't think about you for the whole month of June. I had to kind of push June out of my head because I didn't want the heartache of "What if" 

Not then, it had to wait. I needed to heal... so I kept myself busy.

Then one day in July Jace, Kenzie and I were headed to the grocery store when out of the blue Jace had a story to tell...

"Mommy, I have a brother."

"No, you have a sister. Kenzie is your sister."

"No. I have a brother. You never got to hold him. We never got to see him."

"What are you talking about Jace?"

"My brother was in your tummy but we never got to have him."

My heart stopped and I stared at Jace in the review mirror. I don't know if I was driving or stopped at a light... I just remember watching him in the mirror. He was so matter of fact about it.

"How do you know that?"

"Jesus told me Mommy."

"Jesus?"

"Yeah, last night in my bedroom.

He told me that my brother couldn't be with us. He told me that he's safe and he's in heaven and his name is Jon. No H. It's J-O-N"

How did he know how to spell Jon? He was only 2...

"Jacey, did someone else tell you that?" 

"No Mommy. Jesus told me last night."

Jon... 

Jon...

Dear Jon,

My baby.

My little baby boy...

You hold a place in my heart that no one will ever fill. 

Though I never held you in my arms, I held you in my heart and in my womb.

I held you... and even though it was hard to let you go, I am so thankful that I held you.

I wonder from time to time why God had it planned for you to stay for just a while, instead of being a part of this huge family we have.

You have 2 younger sisters. Analie and Harper Jo.

You also have an older half brother, Jaydon.

You would have been an amazing big brother, I'm sure of it.

I wonder what it would have been like to hold you...

What it would have been to look into your little eyes.

But I am also grateful that you will never have to face the cares and worries of this life. You'll never know pain, you'll never know disappointment. 

You have spent your whole life praising the Lord and living in heaven.

I have lots of questions for you when I get there.

Did you get to meet your Nana when she passed away?

Did she get to hold you? I wonder if your purpose was to be in Heaven for her.

I don't know... 

I just know that I love you little one...

I miss you.

Love,

Mommy