It's been a while...

Its been a while... I know... I have been preoccupied with life.

In this time I have been away I have lost another 7 pounds, I have taken up jumping rope (its not fun) and I have set a silent goal to be active for 2 hours a day. Its silent because it hasn't officially made it to my monthly goal list. I have been using the Google Fit app on my phone to track my activity, so I will stick my phone in my pocket and do my house work or stick my phone in my pocket or purse when I am walking thru the store so I can make sure that I am moving. Because if I am honest I would much rather and cuddle up with one of the kids and watch a movie. So my JoJo and I will walk around the store to make sure we are moving.


Over this past weekend my husband and I left town to celebrate our 13th wedding anniversary. We stayed in Downtown Denver, right by the 16th Street Mall. We were just enjoying our time and before we knew it my phone was going off that I met my goal (I didn't know I had a goal at this time) I opened the Fit app and we had walked for over 4 hours! By the end of the night we had walked for 5 1/2 hours and covered 7 1/2 miles! It felt good and it was fun.

This was my motivation for setting an activity goal for myself. 4 hours a day seemed to be a little much, and going thru my history on the app I was only active about an hour a day. When I downloaded this app it was to use it as a step counter, I was so excited when I learned it is so much more than that! I have been so determined to meet my 2 hour goal that I have been walking in place while making sandwiches and running relay races with the kids around the solar system (see pictures below)

This journey isn't easy and it isn't always fun. As you know, my home is my gym, I don't have fancy stair steppers and treadmills at my disposal. So I have to find creative ways to get my cardio in. I mentioned earlier that I started jumping rope... I HATE EVERY SECOND OF IT! I am working myself up to jumping 10 minutes a day... but after getting some advice from an Olympic Boxer and ignoring the advice of my boxing coach husband, I am changing that goal... My goal by the end of the month is actually 12 minutes. I will break it down into 4 3-minute rounds with a 1 minute break in between rounds... Meeting this goal will take lots of prayer and lots of faith on my part. I will not let this little string get the best of me... I will conquer this goal in Jesus Name! 

Keep an eye out for my next post... I am going to share my fitness routine with you!

Progress Pictures!

2 weeks progress...
I have lost a total of 10.2 lbs at this point. I have struggled the past week and been extremely busy so my food choices haven't been the best. I'm back at it though!
The side by side pictures really make me happy!
My grey shirt is not staying folded up on its own anymore. It's getting too big!
Today, February 19th, we are celebrating our 13th wedding anniversary. We will be having a weekend away coming soon!

I can't wait to try to figure out eating healthy while we we're eating out.
If you have any suggestions please share!

The Weight of the World

This was taken the day after I found out I was pregnant with Jon. I weighed 135lbs

I keep going back and forth in my head about deleting the story of Jon... But that pregnancy was hard on me both mentally and physically. My way of coping with the depression that came along with the loss of my baby was eating. I mean, I prayed for healing and I prayed for closure. I prayed to get pregnant again. I know God heard me, but I also know that I took those things into my own hands and I ate to feel better. 

At the beginning of that pregnancy, I weighed 135 pounds, I gained 20 during the pregnancy itself, and after I lost him I gained another 20.

I don’t have many words for this time of my life. That is why the last post was shared the way it was. I can’t find words to describe the whole experience.  Jesus held me those many weeks, and he counted my every tear. I know He was with me, I know I wasn’t alone.

But because I have a lack of words for this time, I will document the weight gain I experienced in pictures.

These were taken the morning of November 14^th.  I spent the next few days in that exact spot. Petey spent the next few days taking care of me and the kids. These were actually the last pictures I took with me in them for a few weeks.

These were taken on my birthday, I was getting ready to go out to dinner with my little family to celebrate. I remember hating how I looked in the mirror. I remember trying to smile… I also remember little Kenzie coming to my rescue and making me laugh so hard I started crying. That’s when we took the last photo.

I can tell you this… no matter how hard it was to deal with the emotions of having a miscarriage these two always gave me the “want to” that I needed to get out of bed and be the best mommy I could be to them.

His Name is Jon. No H. Its J-O-N.

WARNING: THIS IS A VERY EMOTIONAL POST

I mentioned in my first post that we have an angel baby named Jon. This is the story of my Jon. It is written as a letter to him, instead of a post to you. 

September 24, 2010

It was a Friday. I was so sick that day that I could hardly get up and get out of bed. I made it to the couch and your sister, MacKenzie did her best help me. I called your daddy to come home from work and take care of your brother and sister. Jace was a year and a half, Kenzie was 3. They needed him and I needed sleep. That evening they went to Breakaway and I stayed in bed. I did get up and drive across the street to Walgreens so I could buy a pregnancy test. I had a feeling that you were in there, I just needed to know for sure.

I took the test and immediately it came back positive. I knew it!

I knew you were in there... 

I went back to sleep after I took the test, resting in the fact that there was a reason for me to feel as horrible as I did!

As soon as Daddy and the kids got back home I told him. But I didn't tell them... they couldn't know yet. 

Your daddy was so excited! He told everyone that weekend. Everyone was so excited to here you were coming. But still, Jace and Kenzie didn't know about you.

I went that whole week feeling sick and being excited. I still couldn't belive it!

                                                                                                                                                                    September 30, 2010

I had a dream... a nightmare...

I saw blood in my dream. I cried...

I woke up in a panic and I prayed and I realized it was just a dream. But my heart felt that something wasn't right...

Sure enough, when I got up, there was blood. I cried. I wasn't ready to say goodbye.

The day went on and it got worse. 

I called your Daddy. He couldn't get off work again, he had only been there for a few months and didn't have any vacation time. So I called your Grandma. She came and picked me up. We took the kids to your Auntie Natalie and made our way to the hospital.

They took me back and did tests and drew blood and did an ultrasound.

There words still echo in my head:

Levels too low

Too early to see anything

Cervix still closed

Miscarriage

Threatened miscarriage

Levels too low, only 15, too low

miscarriage

.....................

My heart 

My lungs

I couldn't breath

I cried

It was crushing... 

it hurt.

......................

We left the hospital

I had to just accept it.

It wasn't meant for you to be here

.......................

                                                                                                                                                                   October 8, 2010

Follow up time

Blood draws and pee sticks again...

Just making sure everything was back to normal

But what is normal? How can they say things are back to normal when normal would have been you still here?

The Dr's words weren't quite what I expected.

Those words still echo too 

"Levels are normal."

So I asked...

"Back to 0? When can we try for another?"

"No... not at 0. They are at 600, thats normal for 6 weeks. Its the lower end of normal, but normal." 

"I'm still pregnant?"

"Looks like it..."

I didn't know what to do, what to say or think.

So I went home and I didnt say or think anything.

The next morning I woke up and went to the store. I bought another pregnancy test.

I ran home and took it and woke your daddy.

He didn't know what to say either. 

He asked if he could go play a round of golf...

Your sister knew you were in there too

I don't know how she knew but she did.

She told me one day when we were getting out of the van

"I know you're pregnant."

I cried. She drew you a picture.

We didn't tell Jace. He was too young to understand.

The next few weeks were constant testing.  But things weren't going quite as planned. 

Blood tests weren't doubling or tripling like there were supposed to. Then they hit 800 and stayed.

You weren't growing

you weren't living.

My body wanted you in there as much as my heart did.

My body wasn't letting you go.

The Dr's words weren't so comforting...

Prepare to miscarry.

I prayed and prayed and cried, oh so much.

Ultrasounds weekly

Blood tests every 2 days

No change

No life

Nothing

No miscarriage

Blood levels still at 800...

This went on for weeks. 

                                                                                                                                                                    November 12, 2010

Auntie Natalie's birthday.

She turned 17 that day.

I went back to the Dr. for what seemed like the 100th time in the last month.

Nothing changed still...

I had no more hope...

No heart beat

No life

It had been so long now that the Dr gave me pills to take to make it end.

Make it end...

I had to let you go...

I didn't want to let you go.

I wanted you so bad.

I wanted to feel your little feet kicking and moving

I prayed and begged Jesus to speak life back into your tiny body...

Nothing. It wasn't in His will for you to be here. I would never hold you in my arms...

I refused to take the pills this day. I couldn't forever remember this on your Auntie's birthday.

I had a dream that night.

I was in a strange bathroom and blood was everywhere. I thought I was dying. I woke up so scared. Everything was fine, so I went back to sleep.

                                                                                                    November 13, 2010

Daddy went to the airport to pick up Pastor Marshall and Cherise.

I got ready to go to a football game with Monica and Kenny.

I wasn't taking those pills. Not today.

I'd do it when I got home. I couldn't do it now. I needed to have fun...

The plane was delayed, so we all sat and waited for your Daddy...

We were late to the game.

It was cold

We were drinking hot chocolate 

and then I didn't feel right...

I didn't say anything...

I kind of ignored it...

But I knew things weren't right.

Finally the game was over.

I told your daddy and Monica.

I stood up and your daddy tied his hoodie around my waist and said I needed to go to the restroom.

It was happening.

That dream from the other night. It was happening. Monica and I went in the restroom and I knew this was the strange one from my dream.

I needed to go to the hospital. There was so much blood... too much blood.

I didn't think this was normal. I knew this wasn't normal.

How is a miscarriage normal? There is nothing normal about loosing a baby. I needed you... I wanted you so bad....

Why did you go? Why didn't you stay?

So many questions....

The next few months I was sort of just numb.

I never really got over losing you.

I don't think I ever will.

I also found it easier to not talk about you or think about you because when I do, I cry... Its not because I don't love you. Its because I do love you... so much it hurts. 

July 2011

You should have been here.

I should have been buckling you in your car seat and heading to the store with you that day.

But my Jesus had other plans for you.

I didn't think about you for the whole month of June. I had to kind of push June out of my head because I didn't want the heartache of "What if" 

Not then, it had to wait. I needed to heal... so I kept myself busy.

Then one day in July Jace, Kenzie and I were headed to the grocery store when out of the blue Jace had a story to tell...

"Mommy, I have a brother."

"No, you have a sister. Kenzie is your sister."

"No. I have a brother. You never got to hold him. We never got to see him."

"What are you talking about Jace?"

"My brother was in your tummy but we never got to have him."

My heart stopped and I stared at Jace in the review mirror. I don't know if I was driving or stopped at a light... I just remember watching him in the mirror. He was so matter of fact about it.

"How do you know that?"

"Jesus told me Mommy."

"Jesus?"

"Yeah, last night in my bedroom.

He told me that my brother couldn't be with us. He told me that he's safe and he's in heaven and his name is Jon. No H. It's J-O-N"

How did he know how to spell Jon? He was only 2...

"Jacey, did someone else tell you that?" 

"No Mommy. Jesus told me last night."

Jon... 

Jon...

Dear Jon,

My baby.

My little baby boy...

You hold a place in my heart that no one will ever fill. 

Though I never held you in my arms, I held you in my heart and in my womb.

I held you... and even though it was hard to let you go, I am so thankful that I held you.

I wonder from time to time why God had it planned for you to stay for just a while, instead of being a part of this huge family we have.

You have 2 younger sisters. Analie and Harper Jo.

You also have an older half brother, Jaydon.

You would have been an amazing big brother, I'm sure of it.

I wonder what it would have been like to hold you...

What it would have been to look into your little eyes.

But I am also grateful that you will never have to face the cares and worries of this life. You'll never know pain, you'll never know disappointment. 

You have spent your whole life praising the Lord and living in heaven.

I have lots of questions for you when I get there.

Did you get to meet your Nana when she passed away?

Did she get to hold you? I wonder if your purpose was to be in Heaven for her.

I don't know... 

I just know that I love you little one...

I miss you.

Love,

Mommy

Time for Change

This was the first "selfie" I took in months...
I have learned to turn my chin up and angle the camera just right to loose the double chin.

January 2nd I decided that this was it... this is the day I start making changes. I weighed myself again and surprisingly after all the Christmas treats I ate, I hadn't gained. So my official start weight was 206.8 pounds. I downloaded a whole bunch of apps that help you keep track of what you eat and give you a calorie limit. I quickly learned that some of them are not meant for the American system of weights and measurements... most of them charge you and they were all on my nerves with reminders! I finally settled on the Lose It App. (no, this is not a sponsored post, just my true feelings for this app!
I didn't have much healthy food in the house when I started, so um, Ramen Noodles and Pizza made it on my food list quite often those first few days. I also made a deal with myself, to track EVERYTHING that I put in my mouth, even if it puts me over my calorie limit by 600! The first few weeks I was over my calorie limit by a whole days limit... so basically I ate 8 days worth of calories in 7. By mid January I had this down. I was making better food choices for myself. Instead of a handful of chips I chose cucumber slices.  I started watching portion sizes and started drinking more water. I weighed myself on January 13th... 205.2! Oh my goodness... I couldn't even believe it! I had lost over a pound. I was so excited! I worked hard that whole week to make sure I didn't gain any more weight. I wasn't working out daily I was just watching what I ate. I started eating veggies at every meal!
January 20th I weighed in again... 202.6 pounds and I was over the moon! This was the morning that I made the biggest change yet. I was giving up my beloved coffee creamer. I was wasting 120-300 calories on coffee a day. So I made the most drastic change I could... I switched from my favorite to my own homemade creamer. Its simple, fat free half & half and sugar free coffee syrup. I cut those calories drastically. On a bad day I use 5 tablespoons of half & half... 50 calories instead of 300! What a difference! This was also the day that I started making an honest effort to work out every day. I am not going to the gym every day, I am working out at home. Everything I am doing to try to get to a healthier weight has to be free or way cheap. Like I said in my previous post, we have 5 kids and money is kind of tight!
Well...
January 27th came. It was a Saturday... my weigh-in day. Well... I stepped on the scale and stepped back off and then I did it again and again. The 4th time I did it I grabbed my phone to document what I was seeing...

Oh my goodness... I had a 4 pound weightloss in 1 week! I was so excited I added more veggies to my eggs than normal and I worked out extra hard that morning!
January 30th
I decided it was time to start documenting my weightloss in pictures of my body... not just my unpainted fat toes! So... I decided Tuesdays will be my picture day.

February 3rd I weighed in and there wasn't much change. I was at 198.4. I lost .2 pounds in a weeks time. I was so bummed. I honestly felt like quitting but seeing the pictures of what I looked like before I had kids I decided I couldn't quit! So I just kept working out.
For the couple weeks I had been working out I had a really hard time doing push ups, at the most I could do 6. Side planks or hip raises were another thing that kept leaving me feeling defeated. So I started praying and singing thru the hard stuff.
"In the Name of Jesus! In the Name of Jesus I have the victory!" has been my favorite!
February 6th
Picture Day again... but first I had to get in my workout.
2 sets of 12 push ups
2 15 second side planks on each side.
I was in shock!
Maybe I hadn't been loosing weight because I was gaining some muscle?

Maybe there isn't much difference between weeks, but I can see a difference in my sides and in my profile...  I can see a difference in how my shirt lays in the front. It isn't being pulled up by my mommy tummy... 

I forgot to date these photos before sharing them, so the right side is the 1/30 picture left is a week later. 

I am hoping that by sharing my progress will help someone else feel like they can do this too!

When Reality Hit

There are 16 years and so many memories between these photos. There are good memories and bad memories some of those came with emotional scars and others with stretch marks, some of them came with words that we wish we could unsay and actions that we wish we could undo, but those are the things that make us who we are. 

My name is Monique. His name is Petey. We will be celebrating our 13th wedding anniversary in a week and a half.  We have 4 kids together, Kenzie, Jace, LeeLee and JoJo. Petey has a son between Jace and LeeLee, his name is Jaydon. He didn't come from my womb, but he sure does belong in my heart. He part of us... part of our story.  We also have an angel baby... his name is Jon. He may not be with us and we don't really talk about him but he's still a part of us. Carrying those babies in my womb, bringing life into this world, were the most amazing moments of my life. They are also a HUGE part of why I am where I am.

You see, I don't remember the night we took that first picture, but I clearly remember the night we took the last. It was in December. We were at the zoo with all of our kiddos. Our oldest took the picture for us. I remember deciding not to put on make up because it was so cold out. I remember making sure my hat matched what I was wearing. I remember having fun. When we took this picture I wanted to be closer to him but I felt like I was way too big to get closer. Seeing this picture made that feeling worse.  I walked around the rest of the night with a weight on my shoulders. While I'm sure the coat added to the "too big" feeling I also knew it was time for a change.  

The next morning I weighed myself... 206.8lbs

I was disgusted with myself because the girl in the 1st picture weighed 118lbs.  The disgust quickly turned to a bit of depression and I made my way to the kitchen to bake Christmas cookies and drink coffee. I didn't have the will or the want to change things, not right then. I focused on making the most out of the Christmas season with the kids and ate every little snack I was offered. I put my weight out of my mind and I kept the thought of making Christmas "Magical" in the front of my thoughts.  I made sure to stay out of every picture we took for the rest of the season. I didn't want to see myself... yes I realize that I may have missed out on documenting some of the memories that were made, but I was okay with that. Because I wasn't going to be pictured looking like that anymore... at least not without knowing I was doing something to fix it!